Fuck. I’m having a panic attack.

Gawd, this week, after two months of not having panic attacks I started getting them again. As I type, right now, I’m in the midst of one. Time to take a Valium. BRB…

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…ok, back to the entry. I mean what in the fuck is up with that? Being in quarantine is like my every day life since I came out five years ago, so maybe the first few months I felt “calm” because everyone was sort of in the same boat as me. But now people are feeling freer to go out and do their day-to-day shit. Unfortunately, I’m still stuck at home.

It’s surreal to think that people will start hugging friends and family this summer, these same people will go to church, and largely disregard social distancing and mask usage. I’m immunocompromised so that’s not something I’ll have an option for anytime in maybe two years or more. Thankfully I have a spouse, she’s immunocompromised too so we can hug each other when the need arises (2o years together this November sometimes we go days without hugging that’s just marriage).

The panic could be from multiple occurrences outside of my control and several of them are from systemic racist attacks happening around the US (but I cannot center myself in that). We need to be actively antiracist on all social media accounts, but Zuckerwhite’s platform keeps banning me at least once a month for being loudly antiracist. That platform is beyond problematic and white folx are too addicted to it to be true allies to the BIPOC community and leave it permanently. It’s not like there aren’t other viable platforms. It all comes down to white laziness–a product of white privilege–and unwillingness to adapt to a new environment.

The panic could be from multiple occurrences within my control
My insurance provider finally updated my name and gender after months of waiting, so I can finally attempt to get a new Trans-friendly GP here in town, without having to commute to Portland an hour away for healthcare. I’d love to address my near constant hot flashes and I’d love to pursue a surgical way to be comfortable with my “middle” (the term I use for my genitals because I hate them). Being trans sucks. There is no amount of therapy, meds, etc to help you feel whatever the hell “normal” is. Being asexual is just icing on the cake, I mean, I’m over all things sex, and it’s pervasive in our culture (not in a prudish way, it’s just the baseline expectation that humanity is sexual in nature, but that’s simply not true).

And I still have to change my legal name on like everything else and that’s just time consuming, and such a slow process. Gotta wait for so much of it for workers to return to the office. Getting everything switched around again is tiresome. It took almost three years the first time, which means I’ll be close to 50 when all this shit is done.

The panic attacks could also be because I’m becoming uncomfortably stuck. Sure, I’ve gotten a shit-ton of projects done around the house. That’s not what I’m talking about though. I haven’t been writing, painting, creating music or anything creative. I’m simply existing. But it feels a little more like existing on a “barely” level. I’m not suicidal. The SSRI’s are working well.

I’m definitely beyond glad to have access to medical grade cannabis, it has allowed me to find pain relief for my lower back, my migraines and also it helps me with anxiety (I take it before bed when back pain and anxiety start to overwhelm me). This has allowed me to learn a lot about cannabis and I have started producing my own CBD:THC infused RSO. undefined undefined undefined undefined

I hope things start to clear up for me, my thoughts are so chaotic at the moment, this isn’t the norm for me in my blogs.

2 thoughts on “Fuck. I’m having a panic attack.

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